Have you ever made a statement that has caused such an unexpected reaction in someone that you’re certain they must have misheard you?
Chances are that the word or phrase was heard perfectly clearly. What differed was the meaning the listener made of it.
Humans are fundamentally meaning-making machines, and every one of us is representing, (read as, re-presenting) the world to ourselves in a way that doesn’t quite match ‘reality’ each and every moment of our lives. We all live in our very own, very personalised, movie. We create this movie by filtering our sensory perceptions, what we hear, see, feel, taste and touch, through a personal set of filters based on our unique lived experience.
Is it any surprise that there is soo much miscommunication in the world.
Aside from being precise with your own speech, using framing, clarifying anything potentially ambiguous and carefully choosing your words, there is a simple solution that can help. A revolutionary technique. It’s… wait for it… Listening.
- Listen to the person speaking. Really listen. Not just to the words, but the tone, inflexion, body language and context can all help you better understand intent.
- Watch for your own somatic reactions to things that are said, your bodily sensations. That flushing of your face, the feeling in your stomach, notice these pre-verbal reactions before you put language on top of them. Before you call them something.
- Listen to your own story, what are you telling yourself about what has just been said and the sensation it caused in your body? Are you filling in blanks? Are you making presuppositions about the meaning of words? Are you assuming intent?
- Check-in. The most important step of all, simply ask the person if what you’ve inferred is correct. Clarify your assumptions.
People not used to doing this may experience a little discomfort at first, you may fear looking silly when asking what might seem to be a basic question. You might be telling yourself a story that asking for clarification in this way is rude or confrontational.
Almost universally the opposite is true. When you check-in you make the person feel listened to, (because you are actually listening), and understood, (because you are actually seeing to understand). Not only that, but you are tacitly inviting your conversation partner to check in with you.
All of which will usually manifest as a better connection, a better conversation and a more accurate view of the other persons movie.