From time to time we all find ourselves in situations not to our liking. Be that a job, social engagement, relationship, or something as benign as a bad movie.
It’s at these times I find it helpful to remember the universal truth, that the only things truly under our control are our thoughts, feelings, behavior, and speech. Our response to what is occurring in the world.
I’m a fan of quoting the Stoics and this passage from Epictetus articulates the point wonderfully.
The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own . . .”
— Epictetus, Discourses
There will, of course, be a lot of situational dependent nuance in the execution of your decision. And by no means am I claiming that the decision itself, or the follow through, will be easy. Often the opposite will be the case. But the reality remains that when confronted by a situation, not to your liking, you have four possible high-level responses. Three if you discount the self evidently bad option.
- Change the situation. If you have the power or influence to alter what it is you don’t like.
- Remain uncomplainingly. Say and work on managing your reaction to the situation. If you choose this option, think of it as an opportunity for personal growth. Smooth seas do not make a skilled sailor. But do not complain, do not lament being there. To do this is only to create additional suffering for yourself.
- Exit. If you cannot see a path to changing the situation and remaining uncomplainingly does not seem like a palatable option, put into action your best plan to exit as quickly as possible.
- Remain and complain. I hesitate to include this as it’s self-evidently unhelpful, but this seems to be a surprisingly popular option. By complaining you simply serve to amplify the impact of the external negative situation by telling yourself an internal story which prolongs and exasperates your unwelcome thoughts and feelings. Needless to say, this is not recommended.
This list might seem unpalatable, even unfair. For people who feel trapped in a situation they see no option to change or exit, being told to simply ‘make the best of it’ can be frustrating. But truly, what is the alternative?
The power of this framework is in its ability to help bring a bit more awareness to options and intentionality to action.